The Path to Ilos
by Ms Sticha
Summary: The path to Ilos is long. This leaves plenty of time for Shepard to decide how far she's willing to go, and how many rules she is willing to break. Rated T for slight language, but that is subject to change.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I hadn't actually written and posted anything for a very long time. In my haste to get something out, I published a story not quite up to my personal standards. I took it down and rewrote parts of it, and am now putting it back out there. I feel extremely rusty, so any reviews would be greatly appreciate. I need to get back into the game.

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><p>This was it: the final push. Everything they had worked for over the past few months, everything they had endured, led to this. Now the only thing standing between Shepard and Saren was the agonizingly long trip to Ilos. Even with the most modern ship available, it would still be the better part of a day before they reached their destination. The wait was agonizing.<p>

Shepard was occupying herself as best she could by going over all the reports yet again. She knew all the info contained within every single one backwards and forwards, but keeping busy was the only way she could handle the wait. Besides, there was always a chance, however small, that she would find something she somehow missed before – some small piece of info that could make a difference. That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.

A light tap on the door broke the silence in the room. A slight, crooked smile danced across her lips for a fleeting moment before she pulled herself together.

"It's open."

The door slid open with a soft _whoosh_, revealing a muscular silhouette. Shepard looked up from the screen, blinking several times to let her eyes adjust. She didn't need to see to know who the new arrival was; the familiar hum in the back of her mind announced his arrival before he even knocked.

"What brings you by, Alenko?" There was warmth to her voice she wasn't expecting; nerves and exhaustion had made her less careful than usual.

Lieutenant Alenko either didn't notice the slight change in her voice, or chose to ignore it. He made his way across the room in a few short strides, one hand full of reports and the other balancing a tray. It wasn't until after his hands were free that he answered.

"I couldn't sleep," he shrugged, the movement little more than a slight jerk of one muscular shoulder, before continuing "so I was just going over all these reports. I keep hoping I missed something." His eyes locked with hers for a second. In that moment she saw everything she felt – her fears, hope, and everything she didn't dare voice, reflected back at her through his eyes. His features were tight – the tension obviously getting to him as well, but he managed a small grin. "I knew you would still be up too. I figured we could trade reports, maybe fresh eyes will find something." He reached back and grabbed a mug, presenting it with a flourish. "And I brought coffee."

"Oh my god, I love you!" The words left Shepard's lips before she even realized what she had said. In any other instance, with any other person, the words would be nothing more than a sentiment of appreciation. Her love of java was well known among the crew. It was just somehow… different this time, though. She buried her face in the mug, a vain effort to hide the blush she felt creeping up her face. The hot coffee was sweet and creamy – practically a dessert, just like she liked on late nights, and warmed her to the core. She closed her eyes and savored that first sip. The fact that it kept her from seeing his reaction was just an added bonus.

Alenko chuckled lightly. He was either very good at ignoring her sudden awkwardness, or was exceptionally clueless. Shepard hazarded a peeked over the rim of her mug to determine which. He merely smiled back, not offering any clues.

"You think that's good? You haven't even seen what else I have with me." With that, he produced a tray positively overflowing with goodies. "It is hard to fit enough snacks for two biotics on one tray, but I think I've got us covered for a few hours."

Shepard let the mug fall away from her face, her green eyes bulging at the glorious sight of all her favorites piled together in one place. That was no accident; Alenko had clearly been paying attention as nothing she loved was missing. Her stomach flipped, both the implications as well as hunger, before it audibly reminded her that she had been neglecting it, too caught up in the task at hand.

Alenko's warm, soft laughter filled the room. "Sounds like I'm just in time. Clearly someone needs to remind you to eat. So… eat." He pushed the tray closer to Shepard and sat back, a report in one hand and his own mug in the other. Alenko's brow furrowed in concentration, and she had to fight the urge to reach out and smooth the creases away. Instead, she buried her face in another report.

They worked in amicable silence until the coffee was long cold and the tray nearly empty. It was Shepard who finally broke the silence.

"So, should we trade reports? Honestly, I've been over mine so many times I know them all by heart. I could use something new to look at."

She held one tablet out, breaching the gap between them. Alenko returned the gesture in kind, his own tablet extending towards her. Apparently they were going to do this stand-off style: both exchanges happening at once. The image of an old crime vid briefly crossed her mind and she couldn't help but grin. _The exchange happens at high noon._ She could play that game. She reached out with her free hand, grabbing his report high enough to lightly brush his hand – just a quick, innocent touch that she somehow couldn't deny herself. This was just a little added bonus of the game, nothing more. A quick bolt of surprise shot through her as his fingers danced across her extended hand as well.

Their eyes locked. There was a heat in that gaze that she never dared contemplate before.

Shepard could feel her heart beat in her throat as they both sat in her quarters holding hands across her desk under the pretense of trading reports. The low hum that was always in the back of her head when they were near one another was now a beautiful harmony filling her body, their biotics making music nobody else could hear. Energy sparked along the small circles his thumb traced on her fingers. A soft sigh escaped her lips. She could feel both their hands shaking, and she found it endearing and exciting all at once. This was it. They each only need take one step to breach the gap…

Three loud knocks broke the silence, the only warning before the door to Shepard's quarters slid open. Pressly strode in, not waiting for an invitation, his eyes hungrily taking in the scene. He wore a look of triumph that was quickly replaced by a frown that hinted at some sort of disappointment of his findings. Shepard looked up from her desk, a report in one hand and coffee mug in the other.

"Can I help you, Pressly?" Shepard sounded tired, but there was a hint of warning to her tone. She kept an open door policy within reason, but nobody ever took advantage of it by walking in uninvited. This was not something she would accept without good reason. Somebody's hair better be on fire.

Pressly's eyes shot between Shepard and Lieutenant Alenko. Alenko was a mirror image of Shepard, sitting comfortably on the opposite side of the room with reports stacked next to him and one in his hand. Pressly shook his head slightly, as if in disbelief. Shepard chose to take that as an answer to her question, and she wasn't happy.

"Is there a reason you barged into my quarters, then?" The question was direct, to the point. The thinly veiled accusation snapped the navigator out of his shock. It took only a moment for him to pull himself together. He smoothed his uniform and pulled his shoulders back, implying a confidence he lacked and presenting an air of authority he didn't quite possess.

"I was just reporting in, ma'am." He saluted then cleared his throat self-consciously. Shepard made the most of his pause.

"That is usually something that can wait a few seconds for an invitation. Keep that in mind for future reference." Her voice was cool and hard. Her eyes narrowed sharply on the navigator. The weight of her gaze was too much for him to maintain his haughty stance.

"Yes, ma'am; sorry ma'am." He fidgeted nervously for a second. "I just came to tell you we are down to the skeleton crew. We are on course and schedule for our arrival tomorrow." The navigator acted like he wanted to say more, but thought better of it. His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as his eyes darted between the commander and the lieutenant. Neither of them moved, and the room sat in silence for a few beats. Shepard was patient and waited to see how daring he would be, but it was apparent he used all the gall he had gathered with the initial intrusion.

"If that is all, then you are relieved of duty for the night. I recommend you take advantage of this time by getting some rest, as you will have the ship once we are groundside. I need you at your best." Pressly nodded, but did not move. Shepard glanced up. "Is there anything else?"

"Um… no, ma'am, that is all."

"Then you are dismissed. Thank you." Shepard turned her attention away from the man and back to the tablet in her hand – a physical signal of her dismissal – and waited for the door to slide closed. It was still several seconds before she heard the soft whoosh she was waiting for. Shepard held a finger up as soon as the door closed, silencing Alenko before he could speak, and her eyes glued to her now-closed door. She cocked her head to one side, listening. After a pregnant pause she began speaking, her hand still holding her companion silent.

"Lieutenant, I have a question about this report. The load-out mention…"

The sentence died on her lips and her hand dropped into her lap. She finally pulled her eyes from the door and met Alenko's questioning gaze.

"He was listening in at the door."

"I don't understand. Why was he listening? Why did he just barge in to begin with?" Kaidan's dark brows knitted in confusion. This was behavior well outside the norm for the navigator to begin with. And to so blatantly disrespect the commander was unheard of.

Shepard sighed heavily and set her props to the side. She had just barely managed to get herself into a believable position before Pressly barged in, and she was relieved to see Alenko followed her lead masterfully. They both managed to remain silent while scurrying like mice – or teenagers caught in the act.

"Someone has made accusations of fraternization. It was all anonymous, of course, but I had my suspicions. Apparently I was correct." She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. The whole situation would be utterly ridiculous if it didn't have such potentially damning repercussions.

"Who's fraternizing?" The prospect of some juicy gossip apparently piqued the lieutenant's interest. Shepard wouldn't meet his eyes. She busied herself straightening the stack of reports in front of her before she spoke again.

"The accusation was brought to my attention during the debrief with Hackett after Vermire." The weight of the words, and the implications, hung in the air. She glanced over at the now-mute lieutenant, and found him standing mouth agape. In the soft glow of her room she could tell his tan skin had paled considerably with that revelation. Shepard picked at a callus on her finger, a nervous tick she never quite broke, as she continued.

"I assured him that the accusations were unfounded, and, furthermore, my actions on that mission were as by-the-book as you could get." Shepard squared her shoulders and looked the lieutenant in the eye before continuing. This was serious, and he needed to know she was confident. "And I meant it. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn't fully convinced." The weight of the situation caught up to her in that moment. Shepard dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her face wearily.

"I'm assuming Pressly thought he was going to get proof of his suspicions. _That's_ why he looked so disappointed. In fact…" Shepard pulled up a screen on her desk and tapped a few buttons. "His line is engaged right now. I'd be willing to bet that is Pressly passing on his report. He isn't even trying to hide it; he wants me to know." Shepard closed down the window in disgust. "One little rumor and all respect goes flying out the airlock." She grabbed the report on the top of the stack, her face suddenly dark.

"How did I let myself get into this?" She growled as she threw the tablet across the room. Sparks lit up the shadowy corner on impact as the screen flickered twice then went dark. "I promised myself I would never let this happen." She barely whispered, but the words hurt. She turned away, the guilt too raw to share yet. The room sat hushed as she contemplated everything, Alenko either patiently waiting or afraid to break the stillness.

"My mom has an excellent service record." She spoke with her back to Alenko, her words barely audible, yet they shattered the thick silence that had built up. It wasn't clear if she was speaking to him or herself until she spun around to face him. "Do you know why she isn't an admiral?" Alenko blinked in confusion, but she didn't wait for him to answer. "You're looking at it." The story spilled out of her, pent up for too long. "She went out on an extended tour a young soldier, and returned a mother-to-be. She tried to play it off that I was the product of shore leave, but the math just didn't add up. They decided not to let it slide – to make a warning tale out of her. The powers-that-be offered her leniency if she gave up my father, but she refused. As a result, they threw everything they could at her and that has followed her around the rest of her career." She had never told anyone that story before. Shepard stood tall; her shoulders back and chin high, in defiance of the lifetime of guilt she carried for this. She failed to realize the only other person in the room would never hold it against her. His look of compassion softened her resolve, her anger, but she wasn't done. "Every once in awhile someone will still offer her a big promotion with the caveat that she reveals my father in return. It is usually someone interested in climbing the ranks who thinks they have it figured out. They want to take my father down a few notches and climb up in his place. They usually have it dead wrong, but my mother won't respond either way. And so she sits, well below the rank she deserves." Shepard walked over to her nightstand and began mindlessly rearranging everything. She had to keep herself busy.

"Hell, even Anderson fielded several inquiries once I was made Spectre. They were trying to get to me. He told them all how horrible they were for trying to remind me of my fatherless upbringing and that I was as clueless as they were." Shepard chuckled, but there was no mirth. "He finished each response with the reminder that any future questions of that nature would not be answered diplomatically and would most likely involve fists, either his or mine." She stopped talking for several moments, lost in her own thoughts. She sat on the bed, her gaze unfocused.

Kaidan leaned against the wall. His mouth opened as if to say something, and then closed silently. He could be as patient as she needed. They held these positions, still as statues, for several minutes before she continued.

"He's always done his best to protect me – ever since I was a baby," she whispered, more to herself than for anyone else. She snapped out of her trance-like state with a hard blink, and turned her attention to the man on the other side of the room. "Did you know there was a rumor that Anderson is actually my father? Can you believe it? Anyone with half a brain could see that isn't the case. Hell, a little digging would tell them he and my mom didn't even meet until I was walking. They all suck as investigators." A wry smile crossed her lips as she continued. "It still pops up every once in awhile. I like that one, though; it really gets people going. It helps throw everyone off the scent, too."

"So you do know who your father is, then?" Alenko finally voiced the question that had been eating at him since this conversation had begun. Well, it was part of the bigger question, but he knew better than to pry.

Shepard laughed bitterly.

"Of course I know. I figured it out years before they actually told me. I let them think I was clueless, but I knew. Anderson knew I figured it out, though. He always said I was too smart for my own good."

"I've already heard it from him – my father, I mean – about these accusations." She glanced in Alenko's direction, and then looked down at her hands, unwilling or unable to make eye contact any longer.

"He knew about them before I did?" Alenko blurted his response, the surprise evident in his voice. She merely nodded. "How? When was I going to find out?"

Shepard sighed heavily, and then spoke. She sounded tired. "Don't worry about the how. He has his ways. And I wasn't going to say anything to you because there was nothing _to_ say. They were baseless accusations." She shrugged. It was meant to be a light gesture, but there was a burden behind it. "It wasn't a fun conversation, though. I got to hear how disappointed he was. Why do parents always pull that one out?" She made a face that was almost childlike before continuing. "Then he went on about how my mom's sacrifice meant nothing to me if I was unwilling to learn from their mistakes. I tried to tell him that nothing actually happened, but he didn't believe me. He said I was compromised."

"Why didn't he believe you?" The question was soft, but there was heaviness behind it… as if the answer held the weight of the world.

"Because he knows me."

Kaidan crossed the room in two strides and knelt down in front of Shepard. He was careful to leave space between them, to not touch her without invitation. She still wouldn't meet his eyes, so he squatted lower until she would have to turn her head to avoid eye contact. She didn't turn away.

"What do mean by that?"

Shepard tried to look away, but he moved to maintain eye contact. There was a heavy blush creeping up her neck, but she shook her head. It was clear she had no intention of answering that question. He needed and answer – _they_ needed an answer – so he tried a different approach.

"What is it you want – here, between us?"

Shepard could feel her heart beating as hard as on the battlefield. That was what this was after all, wasn't it? It was an emotional battlefield. If she wasn't careful, one or both of them would end up hurt. She shook her head. Once she answered that question, there would be no going back. He wasn't going to let this go without an answer, though, and she knew it.

"It doesn't matter what I want. There are strict regs, and we are both soldiers." She knew it was a non-answer, but she hoped it would be enough.

It wasn't.

"Fuck regs!"Shepard blinked in shock at his outburst, never expecting it from him. A slight blue swirl danced across his skin. Shepard had never seen him so worked up. He took a deep breath, got himself under control, and continued. "I didn't ask about them, and they aren't my concern right now. I want to know what you want. What you would want if none of that were part of the equation."

"But they are." Her response was automatic and distant. Shepard felt herself going cold, disconnecting from her emotions to protect herself. Kaidan shook his head, unwilling to let it go.

"Fine, pretend we are both civvies. We live a nice quiet life in some little backwater colony somewhere. And don't…" he held up a hand to stop her from interrupting, and continued "don't tell me that isn't the case. We both know that. So just answer the damn question."

Shepard knew she could stall no longer. She took a deep breath and answered.

"If that were the case, we wouldn't be having this conversation." She looked deep into his beautiful whisky colored eyes, and admitted the truth they both were avoiding. "We would've been together for a long time now. And we both know it."

He closed the gap between them in a heartbeat; his lips danced just above hers. Only her hand planted firmly in his chest kept them apart. Her palm tingled from the electricity arcing between them, both literal and figurative. The muscles in his chest rippled under his shirt, her fingers instinctively digging in slightly. His breath caught in a jagged gasp, hot on her lips. Shepard's attention was drawn to the rapid, deep thumping underneath her shaking palm. His heart was racing, keeping time with hers – a primitive, almost musical beat.

"Why stop this?" he whispered against her mouth. She licked her lips instinctively; her tongue accidentally brushed his, eliciting a soft sigh. A jolt of surprise shivered down her spine; he was even closer than she though. She shook her head in an attempt to clear it, to regain some composure. She could barely think over the sound of his biotics harmonizing with her own. Her strength and resolve weakened significantly by the second, so she pulled back to steel herself.

"I did learn from my parents' mistake." She took a deep breath before continuing. "I watched them sneak around my entire life, unable to publically be who they wanted and with whom they wanted. I watched my mom's career stall out so she couldn't reach the level she was destined to. And I won't let you do that." Unshed tears blurred part of her vision, but she ignored them. She didn't dare blink lest the pool of tears spill over, and she refused to cry. Commander Shepard didn't cry… at least not in front of anyone else. Eyes wide, she continued.

"You are too good a soldier to be dragged down by politics." She turned away from him, and he let her. "By me," she whispered. She could feel the heat of his hand ghost along her arm, never quite touching. She ached for his touch, but feared it just the same. The fear for him - for both of them - was like a rock in her gut. "Someone would find out, and in almost no time. People are already watching us uncomfortably close, and that is without anything to watch."

"So I put in a transfer request and we do this by the books." Kaidan's voice was tinged with desperation. He lightly cupped her chin and tried to turn her to face him, but she refused. The combination of what he said and how he said it broke her heart. She couldn't bear to see it written across his face. She could only shake her head for a few seconds before she found her voice.

"We're a good team. I've never worked with anyone else who meshed so well with my style – my way of fighting. I don't want to lose that. It's precious to me." She took a deep breath to keep the tears at bay before she continued. This was the truth she even tried to deny herself… but she couldn't any longer. It had to be voiced. "And I would constantly worry about you. It would destroy me to know you were out there, somewhere in harm's way, and I could do nothing to protect you. At least this way I can do everything in my power to make sure you're safe."

A bitter hiccup of a laugh escaped her throat. There it was. Her father was right all along. "And _that_ is why I'm compromised. That is exactly why those rules exist."

Shepard pulled away from Alenko completely, stood, and crossed the room. She needed distance for this. She couldn't continue when she could feel his warmth on her skin, smell his scent enveloping her, and feel his biotics vibrating to her very core. Everything was so much colder, darker, without him near her. A shiver ran through her body – whether from cold or dread she didn't know.

"I've already broken regs in my heart and mind. I can't allow myself to finish the job."

Kaidan stood, but he was no longer the strong, confident man she knew. She studied him from the corner of one eye, unable to face him. His shoulders slumped and his head hung, barely obscuring the look on his handsome face. She had done exactly what she desperately tried to avoid: break his heart. There was no way to undo this, to unsay everything that had been exposed tonight. All she could do was try to be the commander to his lieutenant. They still had the mission before them, and she couldn't let this affect it.

"You should get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us and I need you at your best." She spoke to the wall, unable to face him. The big, strong commander was too weak to watch the man of her dreams walk out the door. She hugged her arms to herself and held her breath, waiting for the sound she dreaded most.

The doors whooshed closed quietly behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: I'd like to take a moment and thank everyone who took the time to review, follow, and favorite the last chapter. I hadn't written anything in an embarrassingly long time and I had little confidence. Your support helped me more than I can say.

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><p>Shepard couldn't bear to turn around. She kept her back firmly to the door, unable to face the reality of everything that had just transpired – unable to move. Everything was numb. <em>You're in shock<em> a small voice in the back of her mind piped up, but she pushed it away. There was a small part of her desperate to believe it was all a bad dream and listening to that voice, facing the closed door, would break that illusion. She couldn't do it, not yet. She wasn't strong enough. Everyone has their limits, and she just found hers.

Shepard's legs shook uncontrollably underneath her before finally giving way. She leaned heavily against the wall as she slid down, the metal cold and hard on her heated skin, and landed with a thump. It had taken all her strength, everything she had, to send him away. It was by sheer stubbornness alone that she kept herself from turning around and begging him to stay. And now she had nothing left. _All the sounds I endure on a daily basis – all the screams, gunfire, and explosions, and it is the quietest sound of all that undoes me_ she thought. A harsh laugh escaped her lips and shattered the silence. She was shocked to hear how much it sounded like a sob.

She pulled her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs, hugging herself so hard her knuckles blanched. She felt empty inside, cold. Her head rested against the wall; the electronics contained within hummed inside her in a pitch identical to the one she ached for. It broke her heart all over again, but she didn't move. She hadn't the strength… and she welcomed the pain it caused her; the small torture a penance for the harm she'd caused through her carelessness. She stared off across the room, unseeing eyes wide to keep the tears from spilling over. Why did doing the right thing feel so very wrong? She got to where she was by trusting her instincts, but this one time she went in the exact opposite direction. It felt wrong, but she knew that was what had to be done. The regs were there for a reason.

It wasn't just the regs that kept her from acting tonight; she wanted to protect Alenko from the vultures aiming to take her down a notch or two by any means possible. Yes, she was a little concerned about herself… but not as much as one would expect. She was a Spectre, after all – the first human Spectre. The Alliance would never do anything to compromise their image, and a scandal of this nature would be quietly swept under the rug. Well… her part in it would. The other party would not be so safe, though. The dangers didn't just lie on the battlefield.

Shit… the battlefield.

Dread filled her as her mind drifted towards the mission ahead. Saren was a threat without all the emotional drama, and they had to deal with him tomorrow despite how raw their wounds would still be. They would work together – fight side-by-side – but would it be the same? They would inevitably be more cautious around one another, and that was bound to change their communication style. Would it change everything? Should she leave him behind? The thought made her sick to her stomach. No, she couldn't – wouldn't. It didn't matter, though. She meant what she said: having him fight beside her was precious to her. She was telling the truth when she said she would do anything in her power to protect him.

_But that is true for every single member of my team_ she realized with a chill. Was she really compromised by him? Or was that what made her different – what got her this far and garnered the attention of the Council to begin with? A cold panic filled her and sent her stomach spinning. Had she sent him away for nothing? Hell, there was no way to tell if they were even a part of the Alliance now. They _had_ just taken their state-of-the-art warship explicitly against orders (attacking the human ambassador in the process). Was this a moot point to begin with? Breaking regs would be the least of their concerns. Of course, she didn't think of all this until it was too late. She knew, deep down, that this was just some sick sense of castigation. Second guessing her decision after it was all said and done would accomplish nothing more than making her miserable… but there it was.

A second thought chased away the misery and replaced it with barely contained horror. It shook her to her core, her self-confidence immediately rattled. What if it meant something even worse? What if she was a horrible commander, putting everyone in danger at every turn? She considered the possibility that she was just a walking embodiment of everything not to do as a commander. She let everyone get too close. She was compromised by them all. How could she lead them against someone as trained and skilled as Saren? She sat frozen in place, contemplating the very real possibility that this was a one way ticket. And she sent away the only person willing to be at her side. She said so many things she regretted with all her being now that she actually considered they would be the last things she may ever get to say to him.

She let her mind wander, mentally exploring the way their lives would unfold from here if she _did_ manage to bring them both home through some miracle. She knew she was torturing herself, but she couldn't stop it. They would finish this mission… then what? Even if they survived, even if she managed to convince him to stay – to be part of her team – it wouldn't be the same. Even with their crazy schedules and long deployments, it would only be a matter of time before another woman caught his attention. Shepard would be forced to watch from afar as his kind thoughtfulness turned to another, as he presented this other woman with the very things she needed and wanted without being asked. His gentle, dark eyes would follow someone else. His soft, crooked smile would be reserved for another… and there was not a damn thing she could do or say about it. She was the one who pushed him away. Her traitorous mind betrayed her as the image of him walking into another woman's waiting arms danced before her wide eyes.

That pushed her over the edge, a soft sob escaping her lips. She squeezed her eyes tight in a vain effort to wipe the image from her mind, but all she accomplished was finally releasing the tears. The dam broke, and there was nothing left to stay the tide. Solid rivulets ran down her pale cheeks. The tears flowed freely. She sat on the floor of her quarters, the low hum in her head intensifying and pushing her to the brink of a migraine, and finally allowed herself to cry.

A soft sound – little more than a tentative footfall – pulled her back into the moment. A barrage of emotions coursed through her in rapid succession: anger at whoever dared intrude into her quarters, embarrassment at being caught in such a vulnerable position, and fury for allowing herself for being caught unawares. She hadn't even heard the door open. Much as a cornered wounded animal, Shepard's first instinct was to attack. Her hands balled into fists as biotics sprung to life, bathing her in a bright blue corona as she spun to face the intruder. What she saw stopped her cold.

"Kaidan?" Shepard whispered his name, afraid he was nothing more than a product of her imagination – a manifestation of her guilt.

Kaidan Alenko stood just out of reach, one hand extended hesitantly. Eyes wide, he let his hand drop limp at his side. The blue light danced hauntingly across his features before it died out completely, leaving only his silhouette visible in the sudden dimness.

"I… I couldn't do it." His voice was strained. "I tried to leave, but I couldn't walk through the door." He took another tentative step towards Shepard and lowered himself down next to her. Even in their closeness he avoided direct eye contact, as if afraid of what he may see. "I stood there, with the door open, and just couldn't do it. I know why you said and did what you did, and I respect that. The thing is... I know what we are facing tomorrow – we both do – and I… I don't want to have any regrets." He took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "I just want… no, _need_ you to know this just in case things go south tomorrow: I don't regret a single moment." His eyes searched her face. "And I would gladly give up everything for just one more second."

Shepard bit her bottom lip hard to choke back the sob she felt gathering in her chest, but there was nothing she could do to stop the fresh wave of tears rolling down her cheeks. A look of panicked concern sprung to life on Alenko's handsome face in an instant.

"No… oh no, don't cry. I didn't want to upset you more…" He sighed in exasperation at his perceived faux pas. He reached out one strong hand and began the futile task of wiping away the tears, obviously feeling responsible for their existence. His callused fingers were surprisingly soft and gentle on her raw cheeks, which only weakened her more. She could no longer fight it. Shepard closed her eyes, nuzzled her cheek into his outstretched hand, and breathed deeply. The industrial soap did little to cover the familiar scent of gun oil, ozone, and the underlying hint of spice that was all him. She knew in that instant that she was a lost cause.

With one more deep breath she opened her eyes and allowed herself to really study his features for the first time. His cheek glistened slightly in the dim lighting and she was surprised to discover he was crying as well. A swell of emotions pushed her into action. She reached out, her hand trembling uncontrollably, and lightly wiped away the moisture from one cheek. Her fingers traced the soft smooth skin, following the natural curve of his eye to the faint laugh lines just beginning to form. Aging never bothered her – it was far better than the alternative – but she suddenly saw it in a whole new light. Those lines were proof of all the joy, all the life he'd lived to that point, and it was incredibly alluring. She ached to make him smile just to see the slight crinkle. She pulled her hand down his cheek to wipe it dry. The shadow of a beard coming to life created a new, thrilling texture along her palm.

Her job half done, Shepard turned her gaze to the other side of Kaidan's face, still wet with tears. She reached out her other hand with confidence, eagerness. Her fingers traced along his high cheekbones and down his firm jaw line, wicking away the moisture in the process. He really was striking. _If he hadn't been born a biotic and chosen a life in the military_… She had no problems imagining him as an actor; his features were that strong and handsome. He could be leading man material, especially with that voice. _That voice_, she thought with a small shudder of pleasure, _could melt glass_. She couldn't stop herself; her fingers wandered as if with a mind of their own, tracing his face. Yet it was the small imperfections that made him perfect to her. Her fingers smoothed across one masculine eyebrow, pausing over the small scars along the top. She rubbed them gently, desperate to know how they came to be.

Her hand ghosted over his straight nose and she momentarily wondered how it never lost its shape despite being broken repeatedly. She had been there on at least three occasions when it was broken, and had been personally been responsible for one. Well, they both were responsible - they had been careless as they sparred, and it took both of them to mess up enough to result in injury. Her fingers hovered over the unblemished bridge of his nose; the image of the bloody gash nothing more than a scar in her mind. Her fingers slid down his face, landing on the edge of his mouth. His lips were so full, so inviting. She didn't dare touch them – not yet. She gently traced the small scars along the corner of his mouth. They were almost a mirror image of her scars. She lovingly cupped his chin with both hands as she slowly pulled her eyes away from his inviting mouth to look at him, really look at him.

Their eyes met, neither able to look away. The gaze was so intense Shepard suddenly felt bare, as if he could see through her very soul. The tenderness in his amber eyes said everything she wanted, needed to hear. Without looking away, he gently took one hand in his, placed a delicate kiss in her palm, and enclosed her hand in his. The intimacy of that one act reminded her of everything that was at stake.

Fear hit her like a ton of bricks. A violent tremor started at her core and vibrated outward. Within seconds she was shaking uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry. I overstepped my bounds." Crestfallen, Kaidan looked away. He pulled one hand gruffly across his neck, the nervous tick Shepard always found endearing, and refused to meet her eyes.

"No, not at all," she murmured as she cupped his chin once again, gently turning him back to face her. "It's just…" She sighed heavily, unsure how to explain. "Are we going to make it, Kaidan? Can I get us all through this?" The self-doubt that struck her after she thought he'd left had settled in, leaving her terrified of this mission for the first time – now that she let herself realize exactly what she stood to lose.

His features softened as she studied her. He didn't answer right away, so Shepard knew he was really contemplating that question.

"We're ready. You've already bested Saren before. And now you've taken most of his resources from him too. What's one more time?" His voice was confident, strong. She knew he believed what he said. That wasn't her only concern, though.

"But what if I'm not fit to be a commander?" She could barely whisper the question, the fear underneath so strong.

Kaidan's laugh erupted from nowhere. Shepard blinked in surprise, unsure if she should be angry or offended. He caught the look on her face and closed his mouth, his eyes still twinkling. He reached out with both hands, as if to pull her into an embrace, but stopped short. Both hands rested on her upper arms, squeezing them encouragingly.

"I've never seen a more devoted crew in my entire career. You inspire that in your people. That is a trait only the best commanders possess." He smiled affectionately, little wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. "Hell, they stole a war ship for you…" He leaned in and whispered the rest conspiratorially "and I think some of them even liked it."

A wide smile spread across Shepard's face. A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and she felt ready to face everything ahead of her. He always knew just the right thing to say to make her feel better.

"There we go. That's what I wanted to see." Kaidan returned her smile. "So… now that you're feeling better..." He hesitated, unsure. "I should go."He squeezed one of her hands gently as a wistful smile played at the corners of his mouth, turned from her, and let her hand go.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I have to admit, it was a little intimidating trying to write this without letting anyone down. I did have to change the rating, though (for obvious reasons) even though I tried to be as tasteful as possible. I hope I succeeded!

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><p>Kaidan rose to his feet in one fluid motion. Shepard shook her head in an attempt to clear her it, to figure out if she missed something, but his back was to her so he didn't see the confusion in her eyes. She opened her mouth to protest his abrupt decision, but was struck mute as she found herself facing yet another of the lieutenant's defining features. Her eyes were drawn like a moth to the flame. She took a brief moment to silently thank whoever made the BDUs so well-fitting; the way his muscles tensed as he gained his feet made her mouth dry. Her eyes lingered just a moment, but it was long enough to get caught. She could feel the weight of his gaze on her and knew he saw the whole thing. Sure enough, Alenko peeked over his shoulder at her, a self-satisfied grin firmly in place. Was he toying with her?<p>

Shepard grinned back, unapologetic, and shrugged. What could she say? The truth was she was beyond shame at this point. He merely shook his head lightly, feigning shock at her transgression. She laughed, really laughed, for the first time of the night. The tension was finally broken.

Kaidan watched her laugh, his eyes roaming over her features as if trying to commit every detail to memory, to save the moment for eternity. "Thanks Shepard. For everything."

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at that. "For the ego boost, you mean?"

"Well, that too," he chuckled warmly, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Her heart did a summersault.

She smiled, shook her head, and offered her hand. The gesture was her way of asking for help, showing a small bit of vulnerability. Shepard was not the helpless type, never one to play damsel in distress. They both knew she was perfectly capable of standing on her own. This small gesture meant more than either of them let on – they had done this dance once before when the Normandy was locked down… less than a day ago. _That can't be right_… but it was. So much had happened since then; it felt like months had passed. Unfortunately, it had been cut short that time. They were so close… She could still feel the way his arms wrapped around her in that one brief moment, his lips so close she could almost taste them. She shuddered slightly in anticipation as he stared at the outstretched hand for a moment before taking it. _There won't be any interruptions this time_. Kaidan pulled her to her feet, but in a controlled manner that kept her at arm's length this time. Disappointed, she carried on as if nothing had happened.

"You don't have to thank me." Shepard waved him off. "It was my pleasure."

He smiled crookedly at her and gave her hand one more squeeze. With that, Kaidan turned and walked towards the door.

"Wait… You're actually leaving?" Shock surged through her. "I don't understand." Her confusion was genuine, her voice saying more than her words could, but he didn't stop. She watched in horror as the door slid open as if in slow motion_. Not now – not after all we've been through tonight_. She surged forward and grabbed his hand before he could take that final step… she knew that one step would make all the difference. A small spark of electricity arced between them as their hands touched. They were both used to it by now (it was one of the side effects of being a biotic), but neither were unaffected. He pulled his hand back and shook it lightly as if in pain, and it drew a gasp from Shepard. Perhaps it was more than the shock that got to her.

He turned to face her, standing just inside the door. The brighter lights of the hallway made it easier to really study him, and she instantly felt guilty. His red-rimmed eyes were kind, yet guarded, with dark shadows forming underneath. He looked exhausted and… _Miserable_ she thought to herself, and yet he was still beautiful.

"Kaidan, what's going on?" She rubbed her tired eyes and tucked her hair behind her ears self-consciously, if for no other reason than to keep her hands busy. She could only imagine how the lights exposed what a mess she was, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that he seemed to struggle with an answer.

"I…" he began, but didn't seem to know how to finish. He sighed and looked away for a second before he turned back to her and continued. "I couldn't leave because I didn't want to have any regrets. I had things that needed to be said, and I said them. I _stayed_ because it broke my heart to see you so upset, but now I know you're ok. _We're_ ok." He smiled affectionately as something flickered behind his gaze, but it was gone too fast to identify. "It's just… I don't want you to have any regrets either." He took a deep cleansing breath as pulled his hand across the back of his neck. "Shepard, I have more control than almost any person I know. The thing is… I'm still just a man."

Shepard stared at him, mouth open in confusion. _Control? Just a man? What did that have to do…?_ The heat of his gaze made it all click into place and she suddenly knew what he was saying, why got up to leave so abruptly; she knew that flicker was lust. He was leaving because he didn't trust himself to say.

"And you're afraid I would regret it if we…" Heat sprung to her face instantly. Shepard couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence despite the fact that they were both adults; this wasn't the first time around the block for either of them. It just felt… different this time. And it made her feel like an awkward school girl all over again, much to her chagrin.

He nodded. "You can't undo 'finishing the job', as you so eloquently put it." A hint of a smile played at the corner of his lips as he watched her carefully.

It all became clear in that instant. He always left a way out.

Shepard's heart hammered in her chest so hard she could barely think over it. Hell, she wouldn't be surprised if he heard it. The time had come: The decision had to be made now, and there was no going back either way. She knew exactly what was at stake. On one had she had the career she fought tooth and nail for, the one she gave her very blood for and was all she knew. On the other was a wonderful man, a true friend, who found his way into her heart while they weren't looking. But was this something she would be able to give everything up for? Because they both knew that was a possibility. She took a deep breath as she gathered herself. Who was she kidding? The answer was clear.

"The only regret I would have is letting you walk out that door." Her voice shook lightly as she spoke, but she managed to keep it from sounding as terrified as she was. He continued to watch her carefully, and she reflexively squirmed under his gaze. "I mean… unless that is what you really want. Then you can leave at any time," she added hurriedly. _Smooth, real smooth_ she thought to herself as she winced slightly. That last bit was an embarrassing little asterisk to her honest admission, but she wanted it to remain clear that their respective ranks were not a part of the discussion – there could be no mistaking that for an order. The ball was now firmly in his court.

He shook his head no, the bright light of the hall casting dark shadows across his face in that movement so his eyes were hidden. _The hall… shit, the door is still open_. Her heart was already threatening to break through her chest, so this startling realization did little more to affect her. It was embarrassing and potentially damning, but she would worry about that later.

She closed the gap between them with a tentative step. Cautiously reaching around him, careful not to actually touch, Shepard hit the door. They both remained frozen in place until the quiet hiss and sudden dimness assured them there would be no witnesses. It was funny how such a soft sound broke her heart less than an hour ago, and yet it sent thrills of anticipation now. Unable to wait any longer, she laid a shaky hand along his strong jaw and pulled it forward, thrilling in the feeling of his stubble on her palm as she guided his face closer to hers. Within moment they were as close as possible without actually touching.

"Stay here tonight. With me." The request was barely more than a husky whisper.

Kaidan's golden amber eyes locked onto hers as he leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. He smiled shyly and swallowed hard before speaking. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

As she looked deep into his eyes she could just make out a hint of another color fighting to the surface, his battle to keep his biotics under control a losing one. Watching him struggle to keep himself in check elicited a primal response deep within her. She rushed forward, unable to deny herself another moment. Power surged outward as their lips met; her body melted into his, only the wall keeping them upright. There was no battle for control in her, the reaction was so instantaneous. Even with her eyes closed she could see the bright blue light of her biotics fill the room. Her power pushed outward, vibrating where their bodies met. That finally sent Kaidan over the edge, his biotics blending seamlessly with hers until every corner and every surface was illuminated like midday. The harmony of their biotics created a symphony that filled her head, her entire body, until it was almost overwhelming.

Shepard pulled back, gasping for breath and eyes wide. The feeling of their energy flowing through one another was unlike anything she had experienced. It wasn't unpleasant at all, just intense. _I've never seen a biotic flair that bright _she thought to herself as she tried to shake the aftershocks away. That's when a strange buzz caught her attention. She glanced around the room, shocked to see her lamp flickering and sparks jumping from her night side clock. It was crazy one little kiss could do so much damage. It took several attempts before she caught her breath enough ask the question eating at the back of her mind.

"Is it always like that with other biotics?"

"No. Not by a long shot." Kaidan chucked, the sound a seductive rumble deep in his chest. "Of course, you are one pretty powerful biotic… and I'm no slouch either. Not to brag." He grinned cheekily before continuing. "And there was a lot of build-up. I'm sure it had to go somewhere…"

"Shit, we aren't going to blow a hole in the hull, are we? Are we going to have to stay away from one another completely? Because I don't think I could explain why this fancy-pants ship got fried – especially if they trace the source to my room." The words fell out of Shepard's mouth almost impossibly fast. Kaidan smiled as he put a finger to her lips to silence her.

"Don't go thinking you're going to get away from me that easily. Not after all it took to get here." His smile was seductive and raw, and she felt herself melt a little on the spot.

Kaidan slowly approached Shepard again. The pace was seductive rather than tentative this time, and it took more control than she would ever admit to keep herself from lunging forward. He reached out and tucked her choppy red hair behind one ear as he leaned in again. Shepard instinctively pulled back slightly; afraid they would set off some ship-wide power failure. "Relax, I have a few ideas," he whispered into her mouth. She couldn't fight it; she let him close the distance.

The second their lips touched she could feel his biotics pull at hers, the power building inside her begging for release. She had control (years of practice really come in handy sometimes), but she also had to fight the desire to let it loose. The harmony started building inside her yet again, and she felt as if she were falling.

Kaidan's hand moved slowly through the tangles of her hair, inching ever closer to the nape of her neck. This snapped her back to reality and she stiffened as his destination became clear.

"Do you trust me?" His lips fluttered against hers as he spoke. The question was so simple, as was the answer. Of course she trusted him. She trusted him with her very life on a near daily basis. But there was a weight to this question. It had scary, yet thrilling consequences, and she knew it on an instinctive level. It didn't matter; the answer was always going to be yes.

Shepard nodded. She couldn't speak; her voice was caught somewhere behind that huge lump in her throat comprised of fear and desire.

Kaidan watched her, his face a vision of open adoration, as one hand caressed the back of her neck and the other parted the hair at the base of her skull. Shepard used his shoulders for support to keep still and his eyes as an anchor to remain calm as his fingers touched her as no man had. He gently probed around until he found what he was looking for, and then smiled reassuringly.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes," She whispered. Nodding wasn't safe, but she still couldn't access her full voice.

Kaidan slowly turned the small dial on Shepard's amp, just one notch at a time, releasing all the built-up energy back into her body. She shook uncontrollably in his arms, and it was only partially due to the reverse flow of power. She had never been so uninhibited with someone else before, and it thrilled and terrified her.

Fine wisps of blue and white danced along her skin, releasing harmlessly into the atmosphere without anything to harness them. She watched the ethereal dance with fascination, momentarily distracted by the raw beauty, before she looked back up with tears in her eyes.

Kaidan pulled her close, his eyes sparkling with emotions. "You're too stunning to be real," he whispered into her hair. She flared innocuously as she processed what he'd said, her heart aching for him. His biotics answered back, sparks biting against her skin.

She asked the question with her eyes, nothing more. She didn't have to speak. He answered with a soft smile.

Leaning against the wall for support, Shepard pulled her hands through the short wavy strands of Kaidan's hair, surprised at the softness. One hand kneaded the strong, taut muscles along his neck and shoulders as the other teasingly circled his amp. She could feel the muscles under her hand tense with every completed circle, the energy practically arcing from his body as she continued. A jagged gasp escaped his lips after the third stroke of her hand, and she knew she had to finish the job. There was no probing needed; she had helped him with his amp in the past and had it memorized. She found what she was looking for and gave it a slow turn, providing him the release he so desperately needed. A shuddering sigh escaped his lips as the bright blue corona surrounding him paled and softened.

"Are you okay?" Shepard was slightly concerned that he still hadn't opened his eyes, afraid that she'd done something wrong by adjusting his amp from memory alone. He answered with a satisfied hum that may have been a yes. She smiled contently to herself, warmth spreading throughout her as she watched the smoky swirls of energy dance along his tan skin. _He would look angelic if he wasn't so damn sexy_. She slowly ran her eyes along his body glimmering with otherworldly glow of unharnessed biotics, savoring every moment as she worked her way to his face, and his now-opened eyes. She'd been caught again. There was no teasing, no self-satisfaction in his gaze this time, only tenderness. But he looked like something was concerning him, too.

"Before we go farther… are you… I mean, are we…" The way he struggled was endearing, but Shepard could tell he couldn't find how to put what he was trying to say. Fortunately for him, she knew where he was going.

"It's not an issue." She felt slightly guilty that she wasn't more direct with the answer, but this didn't feel like the right time to discuss her fertility – or lack thereof. That was a discussion for another time, if they got to that point.

The answer only seemed to confuse him, so she tried a different approach. "We're good. There's nothing to worry about."

Kaidan straightened himself and moved next to Shepard, their biotic swirls mingling in a seductive dance. It was hypnotic and alluring all at once, drawing them out of any hesitation that may have remained. Their bodies slowly intertwined, pulling one another closer, mimicking the movements of their coronas.

Kaidan picked Shepard up and carried her to the bed… and she let him.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry this one is a bit late. I had trouble finding the right words, so I hope it came out alright. Thanks to everyone reviewing and such. I love hearing from you all! There is just one quick little epilogue left, and that will be sometime next week.

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><p>Every movement was slow and deliberate. Every soft sigh spoke a thousand words. Their eyes lingered, absorbing every soft smile and every gentle touch. There was no need to rush. The universe would carry on without them. This moment, right now, was what mattered.<p>

...

Standard Alliance beds were not designed for two people, and this bed was no exception. The two figures somehow managed to fit comfortably despite the small space, or perhaps because of it. The darkness and silence was deep and all encompassing without the gentle noises and glow of their biotics, and they welcomed it. There was peace here, an absolute comfort neither had ever experienced before.

The usually crisp sheets lay in a jumble at the foot of the bed; ripples of goose bumps danced across their skin as the cool air caught the glistening moisture on their exposed bodies. Kaidan laid on his back along the edge of the bed, with Shepard snuggled against his side. His hand idly caressed her head, her damp tendrils of red hair curling slightly and sticking to her forehead. She hummed appreciatively and nuzzled into the crook of his neck.

"I didn't know your hair was curly," Kaidan murmured in wonder.

"It's not." She replied slowly, her voice subdued from fatigue.

Kaidan chuckled and held up an offending lock as proof. She cracked one eye open enough to see the evidence, and then shrugged. "My hair and I merely inhabit the same area. I do what I want, it does what it wants, and we call it even." She pulled the strands free of his hand and snuggled back in. "Besides, it always straightens out by the time I have to be somewhere. No use spending my time trying to tame it."

"I have a feeling it would be futile to try taming any part of you."

"Hey…" she started to protest, but was cut off.

"I'm not complaining. That's part of the appeal." Kaidan sighed contently and pulled her closer. They both relaxed into a comfortable silence. Exhaustion threatened to claim them both; the night had been long and trying _before_ they spent all their energy, but neither was willing to succumb. They both knew this may be it, their only time to just be a man and woman, and they weren't willing to give it up yet.

Kaidan's hand pulled through her hair, releasing it from her face and smoothing it all in one gesture. Her features unobscured, he gazed lovingly as his fingers traced the edge of her face and continued down her neck before landing on the cool skin of her shoulder. His mind marveled at the duality of the woman next to him, and how perfectly well something as simple as her shoulder encompassed it: her skin was soft and the gentle curve of the shoulder feminine, yet a shiny, pale scar marred the skin and strong muscles capable of handling almost anyone lay just underneath. Shepard _was_ this duality, but in reverse. Everybody saw the strong, confident soldier; fear and awe followed in her wake. Almost nobody saw the gentle, humble woman she was at her core… and he was grateful she let him close enough to see it. No matter what, that was something he would always cherish.

His fingers traced the scar again, transfixed by the unique shape. He had never seen a scar like this before. It looked like a pale pink Saturn, complete with rings.

"How'd you get this scar?" His curiosity got the best of him.

"I was transporting a Turian prisoner through the Zakera Ward. We were jumped and I got shot in the shoulder, but it wasn't a clear shot. One of the Turians tried to make a point by pushing the bullet through the other side with his talons. It didn't end well."

Shepard grinned at his reaction: a mixture of shock and wonder. This was pillow talk she could really enjoy, and it would let her quench a little of her thirst for info as well.

"My turn." She smiled deviously as her hand traced his brow again. "How did you get these?" Her fingers lightly traced the fine scars along the top of one brow.

"Yeah, those…" Kaidan looked slightly embarrassed as he continued, "...are from being escorted from a bar after an _altercation_. I was escorted through the window."

Shepard couldn't keep the shocked laugh from escaping. "Kaidan Alenko, the moral compass of the Normandy, was in a bar fight?"

"Hey, I was young and not in a good place. This was before I enlisted and found my head." His words were more defensive than his tone.

"Is that where you got the scars on your lips, too?"

"Ah… yes, and no."

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at his non-answer, and he sighed. He wasn't going to get away that easy.

"I got those scars from being attacked by a guy who accused me of trying to pick up his girl. That was what started the altercation."

"And were you?"

"Was I what?"

"Don't play dumb with me Alenko. Were you trying to pick up his girl?"

He chuckled before answering. "No… I had already succeeded." He glanced over at her, a mixture of pride and shame on his handsome features. Shepard just laughed and shook her head.

"Was this part of the brawl as well?" Shepard traced a scar along his right side. "That must've been quite the seat-emptier." Her smile faltered as she looked up and caught his gaze.

"No… that was from Vyrnnus." His lips pressed together as he sat quietly for several moments, lost in thought. "Remember how I said he came at me with a knife? Well, he connected. I never told anyone; they were all too panicked in the aftermath anyway. I just quietly patched it up, but not well enough to prevent a scar. It is my permanent reminder not to lose control."

Her heart filled with empathy as she reached out and smoothed his side with a soft caress. She placed a soft, gentle kiss on his lips before he pulled back.

"Now it's my turn again." He gingerly touched the scars that ran through Shepard's eyebrow. "What about this?"

"Elysium."

There was hardness to her voice, and it made him ache. That one name reminded him of all she had managed to accomplish despite great odds, and all he still didn't know about her. She never spoke of what happened during the Blitz, and he never asked.

"That's where I got most of my scars, actually. There was no time or resources to get patched up properly, so my body started healing itself. And it didn't do a great job." Her voice was resigned with a hint of melancholy.

His fingers trailed over the scar on her brow, down the one on her lips. She nodded. His hand gently traced her neck and continued down along her toned stomach, before coming to rest on the edge of a scar that crossed her hip. It was nothing more than a long dark line, but he could tell it had been a deep cut. She nodded again quietly, her eyes guarded. He continued his path lower, coming to rest on the thick dark scar at the very bottom of her abdomen, so low as to almost be inappropriate. She froze as his fingers traced the rippled skin, sadness deep within her green eyes. She took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded.

In that one moment he knew. He knew that she gave more for Elysium that anyone would ever discover, more than she would ever admit. And he loved her even more because of it. He pulled her close and held her tight, and she relaxed into him.

He gently rubbed the tight muscles in her back as she lay against him, soothing and comforting her as she silently mourned her loss for the first time. It had never been real to her before, because she had never envisioned a future with another person. Only now did she fully realize what that Batarian had taken from her with a swift slice of the knife; it wasn't just her fertility.

Kaidan's hands worked along her back, releasing any tension underneath before moving lower. Her breath slowed as he reached the bottom of her spine and moved outward; his hands caressed the soft skin along her backside before coming to rest on the jagged edge of another scar he had somehow missed before. This one covered a large portion of one entire cheek. He pulled back to silently ask the same question, but was surprised to find her smiling. She shook her head. He cocked one eyebrow questioningly.

"Joker," she answered with a small upturn of her lips.

Stunned, he pulled back. "What… how…" he shook his head, unable to continue.

"You aren't jealous of our pilot, are you?" she asked teasingly.

"Jealous that he somehow managed to scar you?" he asked incredulously.

"Well, he did patch it too." She taunted a wry smile on her full lips.

"I'm going to kick his ass." The growl erupted from deep within; the normally mild-mannered lieutenant went into full protective mode instantly. Shepard was surprised he had taken the bait so easily.

"Easy, tiger; I'm pretty sure this one is past the statute of limitations. I mean, we were only… what… 13?" She laid a reassuring hand along his face with a soft smile.

His face relaxed under her hand. "Yeah… well I'm still going to talk to him about it."

"And how are you going to explain how you found this? It isn't exactly out in the open." She quirked an eyebrow at him, clearly amused.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." He made a face like a petulant child. "It doesn't mean I will forget, though."

"Fair enough; just remember he's fragile… and a gossip." Snuggling back into the crook of his neck, she sighed contently. They lay entwined, enjoying the warmth the other provided. This was home.

A small yawn broke the comfortable silence.

"You can go to sleep. I won't tell anyone the strong commander needs to rest occasionally." There was a warm humor to his voice. Shepard just shook her head in response. Her fingers curled around the dark patch of hair on his chest while her palm kept track of the slow beat of his heart. She wasn't ready to give this up, but the steady rhythm was pulling her under.

"So… you really never kissed another biotic before?"

The question seemed to come from miles away, pulling her back to wakefulness.

"Hmmm?" she struggled to remember the question through her foggy mind.

"Earlier – you asked if it was like this with other biotics so I assumed…"

"Oh, yeah… you're the first and only." A soft blush crept up her cheeks when she realized she had added _only_. It sounded so… final, but she liked it. A charged silence filled the room, and she felt the need to fill it, to hide the implications.

"My parents did everything they could to keep me out of BAaT – kept my 'condition' a secret for far too long, pulled a few strings, and hired private tutors. I never even met another biotic until my second tour." She draped one leg over her companion and rolled slightly until they were face-to-face, her chin dug into his chest a little. "So I didn't get to spend my hormone-driven youth surrounded by like-minded kids." She winked knowingly. "Not that I'm not appreciative one of us did. I had no idea how to handle our biotics. The evening could've ended a lot more… frustratingly."

"Glad that time was good for something." Kaidan laughed and leaned in, unable to resist her soft mouth so close to his. His fingers kneaded the taut muscles of her neck and shoulders instinctively as they kissed, and she melted into him. Unfortunately, the awkward angle of Shepard's neck made her break off this kiss. What it lacked in duration it more than made for in intensity, causing soft flares of blue wisps to spring to life along their bodies once more. Shepard smiled genuinely as she pulled back, reveling in the freedom to let her body react naturally.

"How did you handle your biotics before?" The question slipped out before he had a chance to think. It felt too personal, too prying. He didn't want to know about anyone before him… but this wasn't about them. It was about her. He held his breath as she considered the question, afraid she would be offended and wouldn't answer – or worse… that she would.

"I hid them." The answer was so simple, but implied so much more.

"Any you never flared accidentally?" Surprise made him speak without thinking first. As a biotic, he knew how difficult that would be; he liked to consider himself a master of his biotics, but he could never fully control them in the moment.

"Only once, and I never made that mistake again." Her voice had gone soft.

In that moment Kaidan realized the gift she had given him, the trust she had place in his hands. His heart swelled and broke for her all at once. There were no words for this – only actions. He pulled her close, held her like there was no tomorrow.

"You never have to worry about that again." It was a whisper, barely audible even in the complete silence, but spoken like a vow.

Shepard froze from both the honesty in his voice and fear of promises that could be broken, unsure how to proceed. Slowly, she raised her eyes to meet his. He didn't look away. His whisky colored eyes gazed back with naked adoration and no signs of embarrassment. He knew what he said and he meant it, and it thrilled and terrified her all at once.

Shepard pulled herself up with a gleam in her eye and her bottom lip partially tucked between her teeth. Reaching over, she grabbed a few items from the side table; she kept one for herself and chucked the other to Kaidan. They were energy bars.

"Eat up. You're going to need it," she teased while downing hers in three bites. Moments later, the dark energy danced in blue flames across her skin as she crawled up his body, a wicked smile on her lips and a feral growl in her throat. They could sleep later.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I never understood why Shepard didn't have any facilities in her private quarters. It made sense to me, so I wrote some in. A big thanks to all who followed, favorite, and reviewed this piece. It was a lot of fun for me to write. I hope you enjoy the end!

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><p>…<em>Commander<em>…

The voice was muted and distorted, as if it had traveled a vast distance. It flowed through the darkness like a weak wave not powerful enough to pull her to the surface, leaving only faint ripples of awareness in its wake. Within seconds she began to doubt its existence and allowed the dark calm to pull her back under completely. The comfort was all-encompassing, and she didn't want to let it go.

"Hey Shep, are you in there?" Joker's voice filled her cabin, finally successful in pulling her to semi-wakefulness.

"Yeah Joker, I'm here. What do you need?" As is the tradition of every person ever awakened by a call, she tried to make it sound like she had been up for awhile despite the fact that her eyes were still firmly shut and hidden under her arm. And as is always the case, she failed miserably; her words slurred together and her voice was rough with sleep.

The bedding conformed to her nude body so perfectly it cradled her, the warm comfort too perfect to resist the lure of slumber. She began to drift off once more, unable and unwilling to resist.

"… should know we're about an..." The familiar voice pulled her back once more, but she didn't hear any of the words. She was just alert enough to feel it; the movement was subtle at first, little more than a blanket settling. She was about to write it off to a small movement on her part when something heavy landed on her hip and started to make its way up her body. Her shout of panic cut Joker off mid-sentence.

There was no time to think; she reacted with pure instinct. One arm flailed about desperately in an attempt to kill whatever face-hugging vermin she was sure had somehow made it past the decontamination procedures and into her room. Her hot breath fogged up the cool metal wall she was somehow pinned against; whatever was in her bed stood between her and her escape, so she had to move fast and forcibly. Pushing off the wall with all her might, she threw herself across the bed for the relative safety of the floor only to run right smack into a solid mass along the edge of the bed. It didn't even slow her down. Her momentum threw the mass over the side ahead of her. The blankets tangled around her waist as something else – something warm and strong – shot up and grabbed her wrist, dragging her along.

"Oh-shit-oh-shit-oh-shit" Shepard yelped as she tumbled over the edge of the bed, her voice barely masking the solid _thump_ and low moan that escaped the mass upon impact with her just a half a beat behind. It was all over in a matter of seconds, but that little additional time, combined with the adrenaline coursing through her veins, woke her better than all the coffee on the ship could. Panic instantly gave way to embarrassment as her eyes focused in the dim light. The strong features she had memorized in secret over the past few months contorted as Kaidan struggled to catch his breath under her.

"Uh… what the hell was that?" Joker's voice cut through the silence, a mixture of laughter and concern.

"I fell out of bed." Shepard yelled over one shoulder as she untangled herself from both Kaidan and the covers as quietly as possible.

Joker's laughter instantly filled the cabin, masking the gentle groan from the floor as her partner in crime rolled onto his side. Strong arms covered his face as he cradled his head, and that was the only part of him covered. Noticing that made her want to stare at his enticing form, but giving in even slightly only made her feel worse. Completely embarrassed and exposed, she squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face in one hand as she took a deep breath and gathered the blankets around her bare body. With a subtle nod of her head, she looked up to face the chaos of her creation. Kaidan still lay naked on the floor; his tan, muscular body shook as it wrapped around her legs. Concern bubbled in her gut, but she found it nearly impossible to focus over Joker's laughter echoing through her room, not showing any signs of stopping.

"Is this an emergency, or can you give me a few to regain a shred of dignity?" Shepard squeezed her eyes tight as she spoke.

"It's going to take more than a few to recover from that – for both of us." Joker choked out between cackles. "You know where to find me." His laughter continued on for a few moments before cutting out abruptly.

Shepard dropped to the floor the second the room was silent. "Are you ok? I'm so sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?" The apologies flowed freely but received no response_. I've really done it this time_ she chastised herself. Damning thoughts of all the possible worst-case scenarios raced through her head; convulsions from brain damage caused by blunt trauma stood at the top of her mental list. She rolled Kaidan onto his back in a panic, prepared for the worst.

Toned muscles trembled under his tan skin as he turned over, his head the last to settle. His strong arm slowly fell away from his face. Kaidan's dark eyes found hers. Tears of barely contained mirth threatened to spill over as his body shuddered with silent laughter.

Shepard collapsed at his side in sheer relief, but shot him a dirty look for good measure. "You scared the shit out of me," she grumbled.

"_I_ scared _you_?" he chuckled in mock disbelief as he gestured to his current position on the floor. He was going to say more, but it died in his throat as she punched him lightly. Shepard's bottom lip protruded outward, shaking slightly as her guilty conscious caught up with her.

Kaidan took one look at her pout and lost it. The silent chuckles turned into a deep, throaty laugh and the room warmed with the sound. Shepard smiled despite herself as Kaidan gently lowered her down next to him.

"You know, you could've just said 'good morning'. Or 'hey asshole, it's time for you to leave' if that was the message you were sending." Kaidan teased as he pressed his forehead against hers.

A soft, almost shy smile played along Shepard's lips as they gazed at one another. "Good morning," she murmured coyly, and then closed the small gap.

Her heart burst as his warm lips pressed against hers, the sweet music filling her head once again. It was everything she had remembered from the night before, but bittersweet as well. They both knew the time had come, but neither one was ready.

"What time is it?" Kaidan asked with a hint of sorrow to his voice as he pulled back. "I should probably not be here when the next shift is up."

Shepard searched blindly for her clock on the table above them. Finally victorious, she pulled it to her face and frowned. Rising up on one arm, Kaidan shot her a questioning glance so she turned the device towards him – it was dead. Confusion knitted her brows; she couldn't figure out what had happened until she caught the not-quite-guilty smile from the man next to her. A shiver crawled down her spine as images from the night before filled her mind, complete with the sparks flying from her clock.

"We broke the damn thing," she muttered in surprise. "So I have no idea what time it is. Your guess is as good as mine." Shepard paused and cocked her head to one side with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "But anyone seeing you leave here will know _exactly_ what we were doing if you walk out looking like that."

Kaidan's usual textbook perfect appearance was nowhere to be seen. A dark shadow of a beard covered the lower half of his face and his wavy mane stood on end in several places. Suspicion would be aroused from across the ship if he walked anywhere looking like that. And there would be no doubt if anyone got close enough to actually smell him. The gentle scent of her vanilla mixed with his usual musk, and those did nothing to cover the more obvious scent.

"Why don't you use my facilities to get ready while I chat with Joker? That way you aren't obviously doing a walk-of-shame… just in case someone sees you leave. Or is anywhere on this level." She winked at him with a sly smile. "Supplies are in the closet. Help yourself."

Kaidan silently gathered everything he needed as Joker's voice filled the room once more.

"Finally find a bit of dignity, Shepard?" Joker teased. He was no longer laughing, but his smile colored his voice. Kaidan paused long enough to shoot a dirty look to the ceiling, having not forgotten the story from the night before. Shepard silently laughed and waved him away.

"Shut up, Joker. What did you want?"

"Oh… not much; just wanted to let you know we're about an hour out. Well, less than an hour now," he responded nonchalantly. Kaidan froze, one hand on the door to the private bath, and turned to face Shepard. They both shared a panicked look as Joker continued.

"An hour? Why did you let me sleep so late?" There was no use trying to hide the alarm in her voice. She had never slept in while on duty before, and the mere thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

"Are you kidding? You haven't seen you the past few weeks,_ I_ have; you looked like hell. You clearly needed this time, and we all agreed to leave you alone as long as possible. An hour seemed like a reasonable amount of warning."

Shepard stared blankly at Kaidan, looking for any reaction at all. He shrugged slightly and nodded a silent agreement with their assessment. This time was desperately needed, and they were both better prepared for the day because of it.

Joker continued on, unaware of the reaction he was receiving. "I figured you would want a little notice so you could take care of a few things before the mission – you know, like getting dressed, eating… and I'm betting you'll want to take a shower." There was a teasing note to his voice that made Shepard instantly suspicious. She tried to swallow, to push the lump in her throat down, but her mouth was instantly dry.

"And what, exactly, do you mean by that?" Her voice was slightly higher than usual, with an almost imperceptive shake.

"Nothing. Why?" The pure innocence was too perfect to be real. Joker paused for just a moment for effect, as he didn't wait long enough for an actual answer. "I just know your routine before missions." He sounded earnest, but there was a teasing tone underneath that she knew all too well.

The room fell silent. Shepard and Kaidan stared at one another, unsure what to do or say.

"Well… thanks for letting me know, Joker. I'll be up there soon." She decided to just continue as if all was well.

"Bring me a snack on your way up. I'm starving."

Shepard began to relax a bit. Her guilty conscience must've been working overtime; it made her think Joker was toying with her, implying he knew something. She shot a relieved smile to Alenko that he returned with a nod.

"Oh… and if you see Lieutenant Alenko around somewhere, can you send him to the storage chamber? Nobody's been able to find him all day." Joker paused, letting it sink in. "Pressly was getting something for Garrus and got himself locked in somehow, and nobody else can figure out how to open it. Tali said only Alenko could figure it out." Joker's mischievous laugh filled the stunned silence of the room. "See you guys in a bit." He chuckled as he signed off.

Shepard sat heavily on the bed, her legs unwilling to hold her. Kaidan abandoned the bathroom for a moment to join her, neither sure how to proceed.

"So… everyone knows." Kaidan finally broke the silence.

"Yup. And they locked Pressly up to keep him from finding us." A stunned laugh escaped her lips.

"Does this mean I can kick Joker's ass? Or do I owe him so much for this that I'll have to call it even."

"I think this means we _both_ owe him, as well as everyone else involved. Looks like shore leave is on me." She sighed, unsure how she felt about it all. No… she knew how she felt. They protected her – both of them. She loved her crew.

"Speaking of shore leave…" Kaidan smiled bashfully. "Do you have any plans? We both know this," he paused, gesturing between both of them with one hand for effect. "… can't continue on board. But we can do whatever we want on leave."

"I was hoping you would tell me what my plans are." Shepard smiled, relishing surrendering total control for once.

"I think we can figure something out." Kaidan turned to her, a twinkle in his eye. He pulled his hand gently through the bright tangle of her hair, smoothing the bed head ever so slightly on the path to the nape of her neck. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled and leaned in. "I think you'll need this," he whispered as he slowly turned the dial on her amp. That one small action was so intimate, so familiar; it made her physically ache for him. The recognizable tingle crawled across her skin as the power gathered once again.

Shepard let little sparks bite along his skin where their bodies met, teasing him ever so slightly as she closed the gap. The chaste kiss she laid on his lips held promises to be kept as she leisurely wound her arms around his neck. She slowly turned the dial on his amp and her skin tickled as it gathered power once again. They were both ready to face the day.

Kaidan pulled back with a satisfied sigh. "I know we can't leave together, but there is nothing stopping us from getting ready together. How big is your shower?"


End file.
